There is No Peace That I've Found So Far...

I find a map and draw a straight line

Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see

I touch the place
Where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases
Of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words, mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

Every time I hear this song it brings me to tears. This was the song I listened to on repeat after that day six years ago. It's so sad when you listen to the lyrics, but it brought me some type of comfort. It has been six years since I lost my grandfather. I've listened to this song countless times over the years, and most recently. I've thought of him a lot lately. I miss him. I miss his smile. His laugh. His jokes. His hugs.

He was my first and only loss that I have experienced in my life. I remember seeing people encounter losses in their life, and I had no idea how to comfort them because I had never experienced tragedy myself. Now that I have experienced what it is to lose someone dear to me... even more so now, I still do not have the words to comfort them.

How do you tell someone this will be the worst thing they'll ever have to experience in life? How painful it truly is. How they'll never be the same again. How that void they feel inside is almost impossible to fill. I can't lie, and tell someone it will be okay, because it won't. Truth is, the pain never goes away. You just learn to live with it. Time will ease the pain, but it will never go away. You will never get to see this person again. You will never get to talk, laugh, joke with this person again. You will never get to hold this person again. They're just gone. All you're left with is you're own insanity. The guilt, the pain, the sadness, the anger. All the things you could have or should have said. You don't get to go back in time. All you have is that hope that one day you we be reunited once again. Even if that's a lie, you need it. You need some type of belief to help you sleep at night. I still can't listen to this song without sobbing even though six years have gone by. It still hurts all the same.

I wasn't the same after he died. I wished I had talked to someone... anyone... about his death, but I couldn't and I didn't. I never reached out to anyone even though I was secretly in pain. I struggled immensely in my fifth year of college. Struggling in classes that weren't even that difficult. I had isolated myself that year. Alone in my dorm most of the time. It was a struggle to even focus on anything. I didn't do well on job interviews. I was ashamed of this because I was the only one in my class who didn't have a job when they graduated. It wasn't like I wasn't trying, but I just couldn't get it together. I couldn't get my drive back. I spent over a year after graduation without a real job until I landed the position at EL. That's when things started to look up for me, but I remember those two years that I struggled so badly. Today, looking back I regret hiding and masking my emotions. I regret not talking to family and friends about it. I never realized the pain I was in until now.

I have also never realized that pieces of me died with him. I haven't enjoyed Christmas since he died. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, but I just can't get excited about it anymore. Now, I just feel dead inside. Empty. Maybe because that was the last time I saw him and I feel guilty for not seeing him after the holidays because I was too busy in college. How I stared at him in that hospital bed feeling so lost, and I couldn't even talk to him. I never got to say I love you one last time. I never had the chance to say goodbye.

Six years, and these words still hold true, there's nothing I wouldn't do to hug you one last time...

I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms